I thought that as I have posted other people's hijab stories I should write mine, as part of the hijabi beginner posts.
I really hope that upon reading it you don't judge some of my decisions in the wrong way - haram or halal, whatever I did in terms of hijab felt like the right thing to do at the time.
I really hope that upon reading it you don't judge some of my decisions in the wrong way - haram or halal, whatever I did in terms of hijab felt like the right thing to do at the time.
I think I should start with a slightly difficult confession. And that is, for the first half of the period that I owned and wrote this blog, giving people advice on how to and how not to wear their hijabs, I didn't wear it myself. I started this blog in September 2008 but did not step out of the house attired in hijab until Eid of September 2009. This post was the first that I ever wrote during which I actually wore the hijab; I remember even now how happy I felt that I could finally post about my style - before then, I would never mention my own clothing or "my hijab", I simply allowed people to assume the apparently obvious.
I would not blame you at this point for thinking that I am a hypocrite, after all why should somebody who doesn't do something themselves dish out advice to people on how to do that very same thing? Well, I will try to explain my reasoning behind the blog and to do that I will need to take you back a few years...
I grew up in a very "white" area. All of my friends, neighbours and teachers were English and I was completely closed off from Muslims for most of my life. Although growing up I never ate non-halal food and I fasted in Ramadan, I didn't give Islam much thought, I was just the normal token foreign kid who pretended to celebrate Christmas.. :(
I remember when I was 9 my dad asking me when I am going to wear the headscarf, not wanting to disappoint I said I would when I started secondary school (aged 11). This, however came and went and I was relieved that he didn't bring it up again for a while.
At 12 years old, I travelled with my family to do Umrah for the first, unforgettable time. There are two things about that trip that I cannot forget - one, the overwhelming and unexplainable feeling of fear I got the day before we headed out and two, the beautiful sense of calmness I got the very first time I set my eyes on the Ka'ba. I have been to Makkah many times since then but I have not experienced those two feelings to the extent I did the first time. It was then that my interest first grew in Islam, I remember coming back declaring that from now on I was going to pray everyday.
That lasted a week.
From then on we started going nearly every year and I loved every trip. The only thing I hated about the Umrahs was coming back, for two reasons. One, is the obvious and two, is that I hated the guilt I got when the airplane touched down in Heathrow and I would slip of my headscarf and abaya to reveal jeans and a top. Oh my dad's face..
Throughout secondary school, I never admitted that I was Muslim even though I avoided the main haram things. I didn't want people to make fun of me - I remember back then, getting called an "Arab" was considered offensive, hence I laid low.
There was one girl in the year above me who one day came in with a headscarf on. She was 14 and the only one in the entire school. It's strange but even though I am a Muslim myself, I automatically looked at her in a different way, like she was suddenly so much more "foreign" than she had been before. I avoided her.
There was one girl in the year above me who one day came in with a headscarf on. She was 14 and the only one in the entire school. It's strange but even though I am a Muslim myself, I automatically looked at her in a different way, like she was suddenly so much more "foreign" than she had been before. I avoided her.
I can't remember the exact age at which I started praying - I think it was 15 or 16. I do remember, however, that it was around this time that I started feeling very guilty about not wearing hijab. Nevertheless, I put this to the back of my mind when I met the one and only girl who wore a headscarf in my secondary school, at college. She had taken it off after two years telling me that she found it too difficult. I felt better at somebody elses short coming in something I found so difficult to do that I started college at 16 and soon became a fashion-obsessed student.
Although I didn't wear a headscarf in college, I did cover everything but my hands, face and hair. You wouldn't have caught me in shorts but you wouldn't have caught me in wide leg jeans either. I also prayed, I never admitted it though. I remember once some Indian guy in Biology started making a joke about how hilarious it would be if I "prayed on a mat". I point blank denied it.
..I went home that day and prayed.. on a mat.
In the meantime, whenever we would go to Makkah I would renew my faith in Islam and Allah (SWT). I made a pact with myself that I would wear the hijab when I started university. No ifs or buts this time: I was determined to do it.
You may ask at this point that if I wanted to wear it so badly why didn't I just go for it? The answer is, I don't know, I just couldn't. I was too scared of what people would think. Thinking back now I squirm, but I remember I was even uncomfortable going out with my own mum because of what people might say about her hijab.
Anyway, 2 years of college came and went and I decided that I wasn't ready for university yet, so I deferred my entry and worked for a year. I reasoned with myself that my pact had not taken age into consideration - I was to wear it when I went to university. After all, my dress had greatly improved, I prayed, fasted, read the Quran, increased my knowledge in Islam (and hijab) and avoided haram. I would spend another year hijab-less.
It was at the start of this gap year and during Ramadan that I started the blog. I had been making hijab outfits on Polyvore, thinking about what I would wear when I became a 'hijabi'. I started buying really modest clothing and saving them for university. I couldn't wait to be a proper hijabi. The blog started as a way to showcase my Polyvore looks, no more no less. But then I got really into it and thought why can't I give people advice? I had read and researched plenty about the hijab and I loved fashion so I didn't see why I couldn't write about it just because I didn't wear a headscarf, I figured that I adhered to hijab in other ways.
Sometimes I considered telling my readers the truth, but I thought that if I did they would stop reading and think I was a fraud, as well as this I had started getting messages from people saying that reading my blog had made it easier for them to wear the hijab so I thought why ruin it?
It's funny because during that particular Ramadan my dad told me to wear a headscarf while I was fasting. I cringed, I loathed it. I would wear it when he was there only and would take it off in the car before we even got home. I so wanted to wear it, but not on somebody elses terms and not at that time or place.
Fast forward a year and we finally moved to an area with a slightly more mixed population. It was two weeks before I started university and the end of Ramadan '09. We decided to go out for Eid and I knew we would be going to the mosque as well. At 19, I decided there and then that that was the right time. I remember my exact outfit - a cream mac, wide leg jeans and a red headscarf. I said nothing, I just went downstairs like normal. It was the weirdest, happiest feeling. I had finally done it.
..I went home that day and prayed.. on a mat.
In the meantime, whenever we would go to Makkah I would renew my faith in Islam and Allah (SWT). I made a pact with myself that I would wear the hijab when I started university. No ifs or buts this time: I was determined to do it.
You may ask at this point that if I wanted to wear it so badly why didn't I just go for it? The answer is, I don't know, I just couldn't. I was too scared of what people would think. Thinking back now I squirm, but I remember I was even uncomfortable going out with my own mum because of what people might say about her hijab.
Anyway, 2 years of college came and went and I decided that I wasn't ready for university yet, so I deferred my entry and worked for a year. I reasoned with myself that my pact had not taken age into consideration - I was to wear it when I went to university. After all, my dress had greatly improved, I prayed, fasted, read the Quran, increased my knowledge in Islam (and hijab) and avoided haram. I would spend another year hijab-less.
It was at the start of this gap year and during Ramadan that I started the blog. I had been making hijab outfits on Polyvore, thinking about what I would wear when I became a 'hijabi'. I started buying really modest clothing and saving them for university. I couldn't wait to be a proper hijabi. The blog started as a way to showcase my Polyvore looks, no more no less. But then I got really into it and thought why can't I give people advice? I had read and researched plenty about the hijab and I loved fashion so I didn't see why I couldn't write about it just because I didn't wear a headscarf, I figured that I adhered to hijab in other ways.
Sometimes I considered telling my readers the truth, but I thought that if I did they would stop reading and think I was a fraud, as well as this I had started getting messages from people saying that reading my blog had made it easier for them to wear the hijab so I thought why ruin it?
It's funny because during that particular Ramadan my dad told me to wear a headscarf while I was fasting. I cringed, I loathed it. I would wear it when he was there only and would take it off in the car before we even got home. I so wanted to wear it, but not on somebody elses terms and not at that time or place.
Fast forward a year and we finally moved to an area with a slightly more mixed population. It was two weeks before I started university and the end of Ramadan '09. We decided to go out for Eid and I knew we would be going to the mosque as well. At 19, I decided there and then that that was the right time. I remember my exact outfit - a cream mac, wide leg jeans and a red headscarf. I said nothing, I just went downstairs like normal. It was the weirdest, happiest feeling. I had finally done it.
Almost 2 years later and I don't regret my decision one bit. It's odd how as you get older other people's opinions of you don't matter as much - I didn't care what people thought anymore. I am glad I didn't put it on sooner and I'm glad I didn't keep putting it off either.
Perhaps I did "long it out" more than necessary but I think if I hadn't, I would have probably just taken it off after a while.
My advice to anyone thinking of hijab is don't just use either your heart or your head. Use your logic and reasoning and research to be sure in your mind that the hijab is a mandatory requirement in Islam. If after this you still really don't want to wear it, focus on your other aspects of your religion for a while (especially prayer). I'm not encouraging people not to wear it, just not to wear it and then take it off due to weak Eman or knowledge.
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